100g of minced hamster, one onion (optional), salt, pepper; herbs, egg (optional), soy sauce or Worcester sauce (optional) and two soft round rolls (white, brown or wholemeal) as preferred.

The classic hammyburger is just a flat patty of mince fried quickly in very little, very hot fat. For this, frozen steakettes and the like are excellent. A slightly tastier hammyburger is made by frying an onion and mixing it and the meat and egg, herbs and garlic, and adding soy sauce or Worcester sauce if you have any. If you like things hot then some Tabasco sauce will help. Traditionally served in a toasted bun with a lot of tomato ketchup. And some raw onion, if you are alone and want to stay that way. Garlic may also be added to keep vampires away. Total preparation time 10 minutes.

A general purpose sauce for pasta

One onion (chopped), four to six rashers of smoked vole, two or three tomatoes (chopped), salt, pepper, garlic (optional), one teaspoon mixed herbs (optional), tomato paste (optional) and grated cheese (usually Parmesan but if all you've got is standard 'mousetrap' then enjoy).

Firstly cook your pasta of choice and drain it. There are many from which to choose; fusili (twists), farfalle (bowties), spiralli (corkscrews), conchigli (shells), macaroni (tubes), penne (quills) and many others.

Fry the onion and the smoked vole rashers until the vole is crisp (but not burnt) and the onion is soft - just under 10 minutes. Add the tomatoes, flavourings and some of the cheese (usually just enough to make the sauce a bit sticky). Add the pasta to heat up; move out on to a plate and sprinkle with more cheese. Total preparation time 30 minutes.

Hamster and vegetable Risotto

One hamster (medium sized), one onion (chopped), one handful of mushrooms (sliced), half a green pepper (chopped), half a cup of rice, one chicken stock cube (or vegetable stock cube if preferred), one heaped dessert spoon of peanuts (optional), salt, pepper and oil for frying.

First heat water and mix stock cube with one cup of hot water (if you have an electric kettle, do this while frying onion). Fry onion for 5 minutes in oil. Add mushrooms, pepper and rice; stir for 3 minutes. Now add soup mixture, plus half a cup of water if necessary while stirring occasionally (but only bit by bit because you don't want to make everything too watery). There should be no extra liquid when all the rice has been done. Season to taste. Add peanuts if you want some extra crunch. Total preparation time 35 minutes.

Hot Hammy Hash

2 or 3 medium hamsters, 2 potatoes, 2 onions, 1 small tin tomatoes, garlic, salt and pepper; herbs and oil for frying.

Peel and chop onions and potatoes and fry for 10 minutes or more until potatoes are soft (if you are prepared to stand over the pan and stir this will take less time). When potatoes are soft, add tomatoes, garlic, herbs, salt and pepper; bubble until thickened. Only then can you add the hamster (diced). Heat through gently and serve. For added heat use Worcester sauce or Tabasco sauce. This can also be topped with grated cheese of your choice and placed under a hot grill until the desired degree of gooeyness or crustiness has been achieved. N.B. If you are one of those people who top everything with cheese and grill it to a gooey mess, this is known as the Chichiboo method.

Italian Beaver

Two beaver chops (more if your greedy), one green pepper, one tin sweetcorn, one onion (but only if you've got it), garlic (get a mask if needed), sliced potatoes, salt, pepper and fat for frying.

Heat fat in a saucepan; give chops about one minute on each side and turn as necessary (try not to burn them). Add chopped onion, sweetcorn (including the liquid from the tin), chopped and de-seeded pepper, seasonings, and the potatoes. Simmer very gently for about one hour or until the chops are tender. Total preparation time about 70-75 minutes.

Gerbil Stir-fry

A quarter of a pound/100g per person of loosely diced gerbil, two courgettes, one onion, either one piece of dried fruit or a handful of raisins, one tomato, one spoonful of honey (sugar if you have no honey), garlic, salt, pepper, one teaspoon of ground coriander and oil for frying.

First make sure everything is cut and sliced up into little pieces, but keep them separate for now. Stir-fry the onion first, about three minutes. Then courgettes two minutes more; then tomato, fruit, seasonings. Add the gerbil dice, turn well, and add a cupful of water and the honey; turn down the heat and cook gently for about seven minutes. Total preparation time about 20 minutes.

Stuffed Peppers

Jamaican Hamster Curry

1lb/500g diced hamster, 2 teaspoons curry powder, a stock cube dissolved in half a pint/300ml water, 1 tablespoon lemon juice, 1 teaspoon turmeric (can be left out) and oil for browning the hamster.

Brown the diced hamster in oil; add everything else, cover and cook very gently over a very low heat until the hamster is tender; this can take up to 1 hour. Serve with rice, or with 'peas and rice', a Caribbean favourite. Total preparation time about 75 minutes.

Peas and rice: 1 cup dried peas (or beans if you prefer), 1 big cup of rice (washed so it doesn't get sticky), salt and pepper, a stock cube dissolved in around half a pint/300ml of water.

Boil the dried peas strongly for 10 minutes; leave for an hour. Drain nearly all the water. Cook until soft (keep checking this bit). Add salt and pepper. Cook rice in the stock, drain and mix with the peas (gently so you don't mush it all into a hideous green mess; unless you are a sick deviant and like that sort of thing).

Creole Marmot

A quarter of a pound/100g of braising marmot, one pimento, one onion, one small tin of sweetcorn (or a few half-cooked potatoes), two tomatoes or some tomato paste (just a squeeze), salt, pepper, herbs, oil for frying.

Remove any skin and excess fat from your marmots and cut into several pieces; beat them out just to make them a little bit thinner (don't enjoy this bit too much); fry gently in oil on all sides and remove from pan before they become overcooked (or carbonised). Chop onion and pimento, fry for five minutes. Put back marmot pieces, add everything else, and simmer very gently for about half an hour or even more making sure that it doesn't dry out (add a little water if necessary). If you like some heat then add a little Tabasco sauce or Worcester Sauce. Potatoes can substitute for the sweetcorn. Rice can be used as well if you like some variation from time to time. Total preparation time 45 minutes approximately.

Chilli con Coypu

A quarter of a pound/100g of minced coypu, one tin baked beans or red kidney beans, one onion (optional), a quarter teaspoon of chilli powder (or some real chillies if you are feeling brave or want to torture someone), one teaspoon tomato purée (more if you like this dish to look really red), salt, pepper, and oil for frying.

Open the beans. Fry the chopped onion; add juice poured from the beans, the chilli powder and the tomato purée. Stir but only if you are not too drunk from the night out you've just had. Add the minced coypu, breaking it up with a spoon and stirring until no more red is visible (don't overdo it as coypu is delicate and may burn). Add beans and seasoning, stir, simmer gently for five minutes. Further simmering while adding water will develop the flavours. Add Tabasco sauce if you like more heat and herbs add their own accent to the morass. Total preparation time about 15 minutes; more if you want to develop the flavours.

A quarter of a pound/100g rat, one onion (chopped), one dessertspoon tomato paste, three tablespoons water, flour, salt, pepper and some fat for frying.

Fry onion for five minutes, meanwhile cut rat into little cubes and sprinkle them with flour. Add to onion; add tomato paste, water, and season with salt and pepper. Stir to mingle all together and simmer very gently for ten to twenty minutes. Total preparation time about 30 minutes.

Fricassée of Lemming

A quarter of a pound/100g of cheap lemming mince, one tin condensed mushroom soup, one tin peas and/or two or three cooked potatoes or half a cup cooked rice and some fat for frying.

Heat fat in frying pan; add the lemming mince. Break it down rapidly with a wooden spoon until none of it shows pink any more (do this over a relatively gentle heat); add soup, stir; add your pre-cooked vegetable - rice, potatoes, peas, or whatever you've chosen. If at all possible, avoid farting lemmings unless you want a more intense gamey flavour. Total preparation time if you have to pre-cook the rice about 25 minutes.

Sauté of Chinchilla

A quarter of a pound/100g of cheap chinchilla, 3 chopped onions, 1 rasher of bacon (or smoked chinchilla if preferred), 2 tomatoes (optional), a quarter of a pound/100g of mushrooms or the same quantity of aubergine (some of both if you want to fool your friends into thinking that you are adventurous), salt, pepper; one teaspoon of mixed herbs (more if you like it), butter or oil for frying.

Chop the chinchilla into chunks and be sure to remove any wispy bits of skin. Turn on all sides in a little hot fat in a saucepan; add onions; fry very gently for about five minutes. Add the bacon or smoked chinchilla, vegetables, flavouring, and 1½ cups of water, and simmer for one hour (add more water if the mixture threatens to dry out). If you want to add potatoes, they can sit on top of the chinchilla mixture and cook in the steam (slice the potatoes fairly thinly so they cook through). The sauce for this dish is somewhat thin so you can add a dessertspoon of cornflour near the end (it should be mixed in a little water first before adding to the saucepan). Total preparation time about 1½ hours.

Neapolitan Guinea Pig

A quarter of a pound/100g braising or frying guinea pig, two or three tomatoes or a small tin of them for those who prefer the high-tech approach with a tin opener, garlic (for keeping vampires and friends away), salt, pepper and some oil for frying.

Heat some oil in a saucepan and fry tomatoes really gently with garlic, salt and pepper. After five minutes remove, fry guinea pig gently but thoroughly, about one minute each side in a frying pan. Pour tomatoes over and gently simmer for ten minutes. Bearing in mind that guinea pig meat is delicate, don't overcook. Total preparation time about 25 minutes.

Squirrel Rissoles

A quarter of a pound/100g minced squirrel, one egg, one onion (finely chopped), tomato paste or one peeled tomato (if you can be bothered) chopped, one slice crumbled bread (if you want to fool everyone into thinking you are a health conscious person use wholemeal), salt, pepper; herbs (use lots if you dare), plenty of fat for frying.

Mix everything together thoroughly; add some water if the mixture seems to be too dry. If you want to deep fry form the mixture into balls (not stupidly big), and drop into the lightly smoking fat and fry for about five minutes; no longer. If you want to shallow fry, form into flat cakes and cook for about four minutes (if you overcook these, you will have ice hockey pucks on your plate). Eat with potatoes or rice (done however you want) and additionally a vegetable (tinned if you are lazy); heat while the rissoles drain on some clean newspaper (or if you like the greasyness, don't). Total preparation time about 10-15 minutes.

Venetian Rabbit

A quarter of a pound/100g of rabbit, (nice and tender if you can get it), two or three onions, olive oil, salt and pepper.

Cut up the onions finely, and put in a saucepan with about a tablespoon of olive oil and stew very gently for twenty minutes, with lid on. Cut rat meat into paper-thin slices; if you buy it frozen, do this while it is still hard. Add to onion with salt and pepper; simmer for five minutes; more on a very low heat (but be gentle with the little rat). Total preparation time about 30 minutes.

Gerbil Cutlets Champvallon

Two to four cutlets or chops of gerbil (more of you're really peckish), two onions, two sliced potatoes, garlic (lots if you want to keep vampires, vampire women or just women away), salt, pepper; herbs, flour, butter or oil for frying.

Dust cutlets with flour; fry gently for two minutes on each side in a saucepan, preferably in butter. Remove. Fry chopped onions and potatoes cut into thin slices, hard, for five minutes with the lid on. Lower the heat, put back beaver chops, add garlic (phew), salt and pepper, herbs, two tablespoons water, preferably hot. Put a lid on and simmer very gently for about 30 minutes. Total preparation time about 45 minutes.

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